well rounded or one track mind...

Today was jam packed, as usual. Church at 7:30, after that a relaxing but quick breakfast at our favorite spot, then to storage to retrieve our bikes (we are up to a collective 5, soon to be 6), a Target stop and then home for some chores. Met up with friends at 1 for a bike ride, and it was super challenging for me, as usual. I have been wondering on and off for a while (truthfully, since I picked up this hobby) if it is worth it for me. I am just ok at this sport. I am a fairly coordinated person, fairly strong and athletic, but not really fearless. ie, I have a fear of smashing my face on a rock or ripping up my elbow, knee, or any other appendage. I think I took up this activity too late in life to ever be an accomplished mountain biker. So what has stopped me from quitting? Pride. The fact that I shelled out a lot of cash for my bike. Pride. Spending time with my husband and the fluttery feeling I get watching him do something at which he truly excels. The new friends I have made riding, whose company I enjoy. Did I mention pride? Every time I go, I get better. It takes me about half an hour on the trails to regain my confidence though, since I don't go ride too often. During that first half hour, I really doubt my abilities and repeatedly hear my inner devil voice shouting, You're crazy! Why are you doing this? And then I do something cool, like get a teeny bit of air off a "jump" or smoothly cross a narrow bridge or tackle a tricky switchback, and the angelic voice on my other shoulder smugly replies, Because she rocks.

Today I was really struggling with this. It was a hard ride. With very few fun rewards. I just thought the whole time, I am spreading myself too thin. What am I doing here? I should be home, designing something. Making something. Thinking.

News flash (for the few readers who don't know): I quit my job! And then decided to stay, kind of. I will be working as a contractor for my current company as of January 1. No benefits, no insurance and at the mercy of the budget for hours and a paycheck. So, I will have two days a week to become someone, do something, think, create, work, design, make art. Exciting. Thrilling, in fact. But scary, too. Why scary? Because I literally have no clue what I want to do/make/be. I know I could find work, brochures & annual reports aren't going out of style. But I don't think that's what I want. And right now I am so so fortunate to have the luxury of discovering exactly what it is I do want to do. I guess I just feel like I am not discovering that on a bike, or on a kickball team, running marathons or even at the jewelry class I am signed up for this winter. This stuff is starting to feel like work.

As adults, especially childless ones, is it better to never stop learning? Or to stop and focus. Not sure...